The truth of the matter is we communicate constantly even though we are not aware of it.  Even non-communication is communication.  But we need to ask ourselves “Are we communicating effectively?” as people do communicate but what is said is not heard and vise versa.

Below is a list of family do’s and don’t’s when it comes to communication.  Check out this list and see if you can identify with some problem areas that you may need to work on.  After all, isn’t communication the only way we can find out if we are heard, accepted, or understood.

DON’Ts

• Long lecture or “sermons”

• Blaming (e.g., “You need to stop___.”  “It’s your fault.” etc.)

• Vague statements (e.g., “Shape up,”  “Knock  it off,”  “I don’t like that,”etc.) 

• Asking negative questions (e.g. “Why do you always do that?”  “How many times must I tell you?”)

• Poor listening with looking away, silent treatment, crossing arms, and so forth 

• Interrupting others

• Not checking to see if you really understand others

• Put-downs (e.g., “You’re worthless,”  “I’m sick of you,” etc.), threats, and so forth

• Yelling, screaming, and so forth         

• Sarcasm

• Going from topic to topic

• Bringing up old issues, past behavior

• Not matching verbal and nonverbal communications (e.g., saying, “I love you,” while pounding one’s fist angrily on the table)

• Keeping feelings inside          

• Scowling, directing antagonistic facial expressions toward others

• “Mind reading” or assuming you know what other people think

DO’s

• Use brief statements of 10 words or less

• Use I statements (e.g., “I feel ____when __”) or take responsibility for your own actions

• Use direct and specific statements (e.g.,

“Stop teasing your sister”)

• Use direct and specific statements (e.g.,“Stop teasing your brother”)

• Actively listen with good eye contact, leaning forward, nodding, and so forth

• Let each person completely state his/her thoughts before stating yours

• Give feedback/paraphrase  (e.g., restate what another said to you)

• Be constructive (e.g., “I’m concerned about your grades,”  “Something is bothering me; can we discuss it?”, etc.)

• Use a neutral/natural tone of voice

• Say what you mean, be specific and straight foward   

• Stay on one topic

• Focus on here and now

• Match verbal and nonverbal communication (e.g., saying, “I love you,” while smiling)

• Express feelings to others appropriately

• Use appropriate facial expressions towards others

• Really listen to others’ point of view, ask questions to make sure you understand

From Skills Training for Children with Behavior Disorders:  A Parent and Therapist Guidebook by Michael L. Bloomquist.  1996  The Guilford Press

If you find that you are doing all of the “Do” list then you are probably doing alright in your communication.  But if you are in some of the “Don’t” list then you might have to work on your communication if you expect to be heard at all.

Rev. L. John Engelbrecht, M.A., is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York, and a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Vermont, and is the counselor at Adirondack Christian Counseling Service, 113 Meadowbrook Road, Queensbury, NY  12804, with an office in Lake Placid, NY.   1-518-793-4187.