It can be an unsettling as the sound of the very word “affair” can ring fear, uncertainty, and devastation for all those involved.  Thus the reality of our relationships, as we know them, can be turned upside down with uncertain outcomes, changed futures, and painful memories.  For some it can devastate their careers.

In our society many forces have undermined the marital relationship one of which is brought on by our own behavior.  The American Heritage Dictionary has defined “affair” as: A romantic and sexual relationship, sometimes one of brief duration, between two people who are not married to each other.

The Bible protects the sanctity of marriage with the 7th Commandment:  ‘You shall not commit adultery’ (Exod. 20:14 ; Deut. 5:18 ).  By calling adultery a sin, this commandment guards marriage and family against the intrusion of third parties and the socially disruptive questions of the legitimacy of children and the transfer of the family legacy.  Also “fornication” is included as a sin, which means sexual intercourse with someone outside of marriage.

Most in our society would agree that affairs are wrong and would not think of themselves as being vulnerable to such activity.  But there is a vulnerable side to us and we should acknowledge these areas that make us susceptible to this temptation.

• Unmet emotional needs.

  Affairs are not necessarily

  sexually motivated. Our need

  for appreciation and

  acknowledgement are high

  on the list. When these are

  neglected we can become

  vulnerable to someone

  else’s kind words.

• High drama professions.

  These can include emergency

  rooms, the entertainment

  vocations, combat zones, and

  mental health clinics.

• Life transitions.  These can

  be job changes, in-law

  problems, and relocations.

• Authoritarianism.  This is

  when there is a lack of

 emotional fulfillment within

 an existing relationship and

 to “complain” about the lack

  of emotional fulfillment

  would upset the status quo.

• A history of sexual abuse

  or incest.

• Disillusionment.  The

  “feeling of love” does not last

  as long as was expected.

• Fears.  These could be fear

  of conflict, abandonment, and

  low self-esteem.

But the question is “When do we know when we are in an affair?”  This becomes a little more subjective than what one would think because affairs do not necessarily have to be sexual. 

Affairs can also be of the heart.  This can be a yearning, a fantasizing, a longing to be with someone that is “forbidden” for us.  All of this put together can bring an emotional high from 1 to 10 to a 12.  When the heart is empty in an existing relationship, affairs can be an overwhelming temptation.

What about the affair in the eyes of the injured (or faithful) partner?  This is the one that did not become involved with someone else but felt helpless as they saw their world crumble before them.

So what is an affair?  It is when there is an emotional “draining” of energy away from the marital couple to some outside “other” that is being recognized and felt by the injured partner.  This becomes a boundary violation to the marriage relationship and if the course of direction is not changed, the results can be devastating to all involved.

If you find that you are becoming involved with someone, or know someone that is, and secrecy is part of this involvement then help may need to be sought.  Affairs can be devastating.  Even if the relationship is saved, the memories of the affair will be life long.  The effects on the children can be life long as well as they will develop their values of relationships by what they are exampled by their parents.

Remember: A life long and happy marital relationship is not that difficult to have if the couple is committed to working on the issues when they arise.  Resolution is a working out of a problem to the satisfaction of both partners with the good of the relationship at heart.

Rev. L. John Engelbrecht, M.A., is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, a National Certified Counselor, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York State and a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Vermont.  He is the counselor at Adirondack Christian Counseling Service, 113 Meadowbrook Road, Queensbury, NY  12804, with an office in Lake Placid, NY. 1-518-793-4187.