A child patterns most of their actions after perceptions of how the parents act around them.  They not only observe what the parents say but how the parent accepts the child.  Another area is how their parents approach other people (including the spouse and other siblings) and how parents example their priorities in life.

II.  By Attention

Attention is necessary for the child's development of a healthy personality and for the maturity process.  Blocks of time must be set aside to make sure the child knows they are important.  This also includes degrees of interest that are important.  Children never forget parental demonstrations of interest.

III.  By Affection

The "I love yous" are very necessary but they are not the be-all and end-all of affection to a child.  Affection is also conveyed in:

1.  That soft look in the eye towards the child

2.  The spontaneous smile when the child catches the parent looking their way.

3.  The gentle touch of the parent when the child is going about their business.

Remember that displays of affection are like emotional "breathing" to a child’s personality.  Many adults who suffer from depression have a difficult time remembering a parent saying "I love you" or showing affection.

If a parent's marriage is healthy, the child gets the message that "The most important relationship is between mother and father, and this relationship is solid."  When this message is received, the child has a greater ability of adjusting to their own gender-identity.  The young boy must know that "being a boy is just fine" and the young girl must know that "being a girl is just fine."  This develops a confident security of one's self.

IV.  By Support

A child needs a parent who gives a positive support of their interest and activities.  Support and encouragement lays a foundation for a basic sense of self-acceptance.  Healthy self-acceptance is not only important to the child's personality but also to the development of healthy relationships with other people.  People who tend to hate themselves eventually develop bitterness and hatefulness to others.  This thinking pattern begins in childhood and intensifies in adult years.

The following are “Signs of Offended Little Ones.” These are questions and statements heard from emotionally struggling adults.

1.  Who am I?

2.   Why didn't daddy hug me any more?

3.  I was called “Leatherlungs” as a kid because I talked so much.  But I wish someone would just listen to me.

4.  When I was growing up, I was always called “fatty.” Maybe that is why I struggle with a weight problem now.

5.  My dad would ridicule me in front of others and tell me I wouldn't amount to anything.  When I look at my life, I guess he was right.

6. I love my children very much, but when it comes to showing them affection, I don't do a very good job.  As a kid, I wasn't shown much love but when I see how much love my kids need, it makes my angry.  And I take it out on my wife, my kids, and even people I work with at my job.

All of us have emotional hurts from our past and often these hurts play out in our present day relationships.  If you find that this is true for you and you would like to have some changes made in how you relate to others, then ask God to show you what you need to see in your relating style.  Then search out those individuals who can help you develop new relating skills and do the hard work of that deep change that is needed for truly emotional healthy living.

Rev. L. John Engelbrecht, M.A., is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, a National Certified Counselor, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York State and a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Vermont.  He is the counselor at Adirondack Christian Counseling Service, 113 Meadowbrook Road, Queensbury, NY  12804, with an office in Lake Placid, NY.   1-518-793-4187.